Life with Laurie – Stillbirth (#3)

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Perfect healthy baby boy. That is what the autopsy report on my stillborn son said. But how could this be? How could he be perfect? Healthy? But no heartbeat and no longer alive. I don’t understand how he can be all of the above. Sebastian Noah was his name he was born March 23rd 2015 @ 11:23pm in Manchester NH.

How did this happen? To answer this question I have to start at the beginning. I was working at a Nursing School in Manchester as a full time Career Services Director. I was guardian of my mom who was diagnosed with Early Onset Dementia. I got pregnant and was healthy, a little over weight, but I went to every OB appointment, I passed every test they had me take, every ultrasound showed a healthy baby boy.

I was 10 months along when I started to get an itchy rash. Red large splotches that looked like an allergic reaction. I remember not even knowing what to think it was from. I called my OB and let them know I had something itchy on my skin, my wrists and ankles mostly. When I first called there were only one or two on my wrist and ankles. I went in to a doctors appointment on March 21 around 2 O’clock.

We did an ultrasound where I saw Sebastian alive for the last time. We talked about the possibility of the next week talking about induction. The doctor gave me an oral steroid to take to stop the itching. I took the steroid after leaving the pharmacy. I felt better soon after I took it.

Monday morning early I felt him moving and kicking in my belly. Id say that was about 2am. My followup appointment was at 8am. I went in sat down where the doctor attempted to use the doppler but found no heartbeat. She didnt seem to concerned. But rather sent me in to get a ultrasound. The Ultrasound tech found Sebastian but there was no heartbeat.

I saw my son in a ball not moving no heartbeat. I called my boyfriend and he drove to the doctors office. We drove to the hospital at about 10am by noon we were on schedule to give birth to our stillborn son.

Sebastian’s head was in the midst of coming out during labor and I was told to stop pushing. A lady in a neighboring room was giving birth to a live baby and the doctor had to be in with that birth. So I waited about 20 minutes with my baby boys head sticking out of me. Nothing like this experience. Nothing.

I had resolved to not look at him or hold him I didnt feel I was strong enough emotionally or physically to see him. But my boyfriend told me I would take the lead. If I wasnt going to see him he wouldnt either. I couldnt be selfish. I had to hold Sebastian I had to see him. So I told my boyfriend I had changed my mind. He went over to the hospital bassinet they had him in and doubled over in tears.

He finally brought Sebas over to me and I looked at him in shock and pain. I went 40 weeks, He was my baby, and he was gone. My boyfriend and I stayed at the hospital that night with Sebastian in our room and we got to spend the night with him.

He called his mom in the morning and I texted one of my older brothers who told the other 3 brothers and my dad. There was a photographer that came in and took pictures of Sebastian that I hold near and dear. We held him one last time then he was brought to the morgue for an autopsy.

Sebastian Noah was cremated along with the other babies that passed away in 2015 and he lies beneath a angel statue at the local hospital.

His little brother was born January 2017. Gabriel Malachi is 7 months old.

Life with Laurie – Guardianship of your parent

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One of the most difficult experiences in your life is the day that you are told that your parent can no longer take care of themselves. That you will need to take their rights away from them. The social worker comes to you and says your parent is not of sound mind. Your parent cannot make a sound decision on their medical issues that you will need to help them.

She was 62 and having paranoid episodes that had become so regular that the last one seemed like everyday life. Mom had convinced herself that dad was beating her and her boyfriend Al Gore. She thought dad was after her and that witness protection had placed cameras in our home to help her. On the day she was taken to the hospital she was at the management office for our residence and told a friend of hers that she needed help.

Mom was taken to the hospital and brought to the psychiatric ward to be observed and diagnosed. After three days of observation and treatment the doctor called my dad and I in to tell us that mom was diagnosed with Early Onset Dementia with Lewy Bodies. There was no treatment to reverse her psychosis that the only option was to slow it down.

The morning of her second admission to the hospital I was told mom was no longer of sound mind that either my dad or I would need to make the decisions for her. I called my dad and was told “You will need to do it.” He was a truck driver and couldn’t do it. I was told to sign the paperwork making myself the guardian and we would “deal” with it later.

That day at the hospital by myself I cried for 3 hours alone. My mom and best friend would soon not remember me at all. That day came 3 years into her illness. At 6 years in to her illness I got pregnant with my first son and gave birth to my stillborn son. I got pregnant again and lost my mom in the same year. She passed away in August of 2016 I gave birth in January 2017. She never met Gabriel.

Not a day goes by that I dont think about her. I see a flower, a cloud, something beautiful that she would have loved. Her favorite song was The Rose sung by Bette Midler. She is was and will always be my Mom.

I have a hard time though remembering her as she was when she wasnt sick. I have a hard time remembering her awake up and running around, smiling, and being her peppy self. Those 8 years took their toll on her. She passed away alone in her mind but with her 5 children and her husband.

What does guardianship entail? Signing all medical documents for release or admission. Approving all changes of medications. Speaking with insurance companies about coverage. Assisting with finding a premises for your loved one to reside. Family meetings, change of management at facilities, changes of nurse, incidents loved one is involved in including anything violent. Meeting loved one at the hospital when they have been violent. Purchasing clothing, shoes, or anything to keep your loved one comfortable.

I have to admit that I was very angry with my family for putting me in the position to have to be her guardian. In saying that I am glad it was me. I stood up for her as much as I could with the knowledge and experience I had. I am 38 now.